I want everyone to die in order...

It's exactly what I want (oldest to youngest). It'll be sad, sure. I'm the youngest of six. To bury them all will be hard, but it's what I want. 

It's no accident I'm six months older than my husband. I want him to bury me and then our kids will bury him. I just couldn't live an instant on this earth without him.

My father is first in line. He's the oldest. And today I get a call about how sick he is. I knew the call would come, some day. He's hospitalized and deteriorating. I wonder if I should go to him? 

What would you do?

If this is in fact his time, do I make the journey abroad, as a daughter should do, to see my father before he leaves this earth? Or do I take a page from his playbook and decide to be selfish. Do I let it be? Stay put and not land in a world that is his and his alone. He left our family for his family abroad. He has his children there. He is their father.

Here, he was never a good or present father. He however was (and is) my dad. He is handsome, charasmatic and always so funny. He is also the angriest person I've ever known. He was a terrible father, but he was my father and the reason I'm here on earth. He's the parent my mother taught me to acknowledge, respect and forgive. 

What would you do?

He's leaving this world in the right order. It's what I wanted and it's sad. I think of my father and I can't help but think about how much I love him even if he was so hard to love. 

He'll be in heaven soon and maybe then he'll get to know me and my children. Maybe then he'll get our names straight. Maybe then he'll see just how alike we are and how much he missed out on being my dad.

What would you do?

I don't want to bury him. That I know. But I do believe I should at least kiss him goodbye. 

What would you do?

Oversharer

I often get criticized for posting a lot of my day-to-day on Facebook and Instagram.  I also co-produce another blog, so there's plenty of places to share my thoughts, my photos, my memories, my meals, my workouts... I could go on. I get that's a lot of sharing and some label it as annoying. I actually consider it natural. I've been social my whole life. I am naturally loud, straightforward and a lifelong extrovert. I am comfortable with who I AM and why I share. Social media is my scrapbook. I'm not the best at backing up photos, printing or framing the memories, so a lot of my life is living on multiple social media accounts. I get I've chosen a public forum and I am comfortable with that, too.

But as of late, I've thought a lot about the wide spectrum of criticism and most of it is so judgmental.  In some occasions the critic's tone is one of kind observation, but most times it's mean-spirited and I'm passive aggressively being "called out" about my over-sharing as if I don't know it's a well established habit. Folks even ask my husband if he minds. I get that. He's often the subject of my posts. My husband however also knows his wife very well. He doesn't mind my chronic sharing since I respect what he considers private and personal. Because believe it or not, over-shares like me, do have private and personal lives. We don't actually share it all. How could we?

And yet the solution is simple; for the countless critics, you don't need to follow or "friend" an over-sharer. It's that simple. Social media is made for social butterflies. Yet, I understand not everyone cares. If a person wants out, go for it! Unfollow and unfriend over-sharers like me. Please and thank you!

There's also the idea of humblebragging!  I understand that folks don't care about an over-sharer's cute kids, amazing husbands and great lives! Post after post on my feed will be overwhelmingly positive, it'll include the moments I cherish and the life I live. A life I am grateful for and proud of. So yes, humblebragging will be all over my social media blueprint. 

Honestly, no one lives perfect lives and NO ONE lives forever. In this day in age, what we've left behind isn't only the memories, but the blog posts, the IG photos and Facebook status updates. I rather leave behind all those little insights to who I was and what a great life I lived. I don't want to be remembered for the bitching or the negativity the world already has too much of. I want to live on as grateful, imperfect and blessed as I've always been!

Brother

I have four brothers. I speak to 1.5 of them. I could be the common denominator, sure. Something must be wrong with me to have lost these relationships through the years. Then I think about how there's no right and no wrong. We are who we are.

One brother I cut out of my life a few years ago and I'm better for it. He's never earned or deserved my respect and this began when I was a young girl. This year I shared with my mother the reason why I don't speak to this brother. The sharing was profound. It was therapeutic. Then... it was gone. The words evaporated as if they were never spoken. It's okay mother, I understand.

Another brother left us many years ago for another life of his own. I know he's there. We're just strangers. Strangers who can love each other anyway. Why not?

And then there's the brother who called today. He's erratic and emotional, a combination of charisma and anger. He's violently abusive with words.  This all because he cannot speak directly about feelings. It's always dramatic when his feelings boil over. He can anger easily and he can love just as deeply as he hates. He's perfectly imperfect. He's my brother.

The backstory? I've never stopped associating with this brother's ex-girlfriend. Probably because she's kinder (to me) than he's been through the years. She was in my life 15 plus years when they ended.

Today's call:

His words, in no particular order:

You fucking bitch

I wouldn't go to your funeral if you died tomorrow

Fuck you, okay. Fuck you.

Anyone who associates with my enemies is dead to me.

My words: 

I'll pray for you!

I said just a few words. I took in his anger - his abusive words. I have prayer and forgiveness. I pray his heart will heal. This brother always says "I'm sorry" eventually, but not before leaving our relationship further strained and distant. 

This is the story of my brothers. Like my father, they've been absent. Like with my father, I love them anyway. 

But I love me more. In a lovely twist of fate, God blessed me with a husband who's shown me loving fatherhood in the way he loves our children and caring brotherhood in the way he treats his siblings. When looking for love.... It's here! 

It's always here... like prayer and forgiveness.

The world needs YOUR love, use it!

I have made so many mistakes as a mother. I've been quick to anger and treated my children in ways I'm embarrassed to admit. Whether that meant screaming at the top of my lungs while they looked up at me, eyes widened with fear, or moments when I've checked out so selfishly focused on an iPhone app instead of cuddling with my toddler a few inches away. I've spanked them. I've ignored them. I've treated them as less than. Those moments were terribly wrong. Of that, I am acutely aware.

But I have also learned from the mistakes and can say those episodes were shocking and they were few. I pray the few being just enough NOT to leave permanent scars. So few that they live etched only in my worst memories while carrying absolutely no weight buried under the barrels of happy memories in theirs. I pray my children only have room in their hearts to keep the images of their mother who was fearless and endlessly kind. 

The average moment with my children is spent hugging, kissing, soothing, cooing, cooking, calming, laughing, and cuddling. It's also spent silently bruised and battered. It's spent drained by the end of most days reeling from the countless directions I've been pulled in. I work full-time. I am a wife. I am a writer. I AM A MOTHER! I am stubborn and I am passionate. I am like everyone else desperately hoping not to screw up my children.

Just today I held my 6 year old while whispering in his ear as he drifted into sleep... "Only love lives inside you... the world needs that love, so use it!" I continued softy, "show this world all the love inside you, show them the goodness you're made of." I felt my son breath peaceful. I felt my words resonating in his soul and manifesting in his future. I felt all the moments I failed as a mother melt away.  I felt like this the mother I was meant to be. A mother who is flawed while committed, impatient and relentless, battered while victorious - a mother giving the world the goodness that's inside her!

I can only teach love by showing love. I can only show love by giving love and the same with forgiveness. I have forgiven myself for the imperfections all the while inviting my children to forgive and love themselves, too.

Sitting In Your Embarrassment

Who hasn't been there? All is well, you're in a quiet restaurant and some kid loses their mind screaming, crying, and yelling. As you turn to look for the mortified parent accompanying that basket case of a child, you realize the child losing their marbles just so happens to be YOURS!

Maybe you turn red? Maybe you do that quick look down to not make eye contact with a single soul or maybe you feel the need to very loudly reprimand, after all everyone is watching! Everyone isn't really watching. Whatever coping strategy you come up with, chances are you've already felt that sweet jolt of embarrassment! I don't care how cool as a cucumber you might be as a parent, at one point or another, our skills are tested and we're put on the spot!

When the moment arises, I want you to know one thing: every parent gets it! Really, even those parents who stare! They understand. They're actually staring and are probably atheists praying inside thanking Jesus, Jah, Allah, AND Johovah that this time it wasn't their kid melting down! Even those people who don't have kids and are secretly judging you as they stare. Yeah, their stares don't matter!

Regardless of the number of stares, I say take a deep breath, sit in your embarrassment and kill that moment with kindness! Might seem odd, I know. Left and right there's opinions about what should be done to punish, discipline and execute tough love! But after all the tough love when you lay your head to rest, how you make your child feel when they "misbehave" matters! The level of patience and confidence you exude really does see you through the embarrassment and doubt to hopefully find calm! It's that same patience and confidence that brings peace of mind when you choose kindness in dealing with your child who for just a second might very well resemble a tiny insane person!

It won't always be easy to find confidence and patience, but the next time one of your own loses their mind, just sit in the embarrassment, take a deep breath and muster the strength to handle that little being with the utmost care and concern! Because in the end, love is the greatest disciplinary tool of ALL!

When Your Kid's Just Like YOU!

Recently, I took a hard look at me and realized that my 6 year old was so much like his momma. For a second I was terrified, then I was overcome with calm and inspired. I realized that I was "battling" with my son more than letting him naturally be who he was, in fact, it was chaos. Two of us rushing, two of us passionate about any given thing and losing our tempers simultaneously. Imagine those fireworks. 

I decided to begin complementing my son to the I best of my ability instead of "butting-heads" as we often did. I decided to be exactly what he needed at any given time. So when he wants to talk, I listen. I do my best to actually listen without interrupting. This is not one of my virtues, but I try. I am patient in his haste. I am calm in his intensity. I do my best to be what he needs even if it isn't my norm. I have come to appreciate so much of who I am in experiencing who he is becoming. 

He's very competitive even aggressive when it comes to winning sports or boardgames. He is independent and can be impatient and temperamental. None of those things are bad, but too much of anything can be challenging. So, I adjust me for him while doing my best to show him how I channel stubbornness and impatience. I also strive to not take things too personally. Now even for a seasoned parent this is a tough one. Kids will hurt our feelings and as much as we think us adults can handle it. We are still who we are and in my case, I can be sensitive. I can be stubborn. So I work on it and I reach for the lovable me when he's temperamental or the kind me when he's impatient.

And as the years go on and our personality traits join together, in sync, well I'd say: watch out world! We're both ready to move mountains as a family unit and I believe that together we can, even if there's a whole lot of beautiful "fireworks" to be managed along the way. 

My world, my way.

I heard from a new friend today. New because I've only enjoyed her company for the last three months or so. Right when I was getting use to having her around the office, poof - she's gone! Interns do that!   

She texted me because according to her, "I'd understand!" She's having her first baby! She's pumped! As she should be! Turns out a bunch of folks have been sharing their two cents. Many sharing a bunch of idiotic statements like, "be careful, take it easy... I miscarried at your stage!" What the WHAT? I mean, come on... Is that really what a newly preggers gal wants to hear?

People mean well, but sure enough they spread a bunch of fear when they open their big fat mouths! Now, I'm not perfect! My husband might say I'm likely to spew some fears, but to tell a newly pregnant, over-the-moon mommy, the one thing that could FREAK her out for months to come! GEEEZ!

She texted me that she needed some positivity since I once told her to surround herself BY ONLY THAT! Well this was my response, "shut out the crap!" Yup, shut it out and envision the finish line and holding her perfectly precious loving child! 

That's how I spend my day! I live my world, my way. Often, you'll find me in a state of daydreaming, envisioning the perfectly beautiful finish line! Idealistic me! I always see the finish line with what I WANT ending up just the way I wanted it! I like my world, my way! A way full of goodness and positive OUTCOMES!

Why not rebel from living with fear and worry? Remember to rebel... WORRY less and love life MORE!