I want everyone to die in order...

It's exactly what I want (oldest to youngest). It'll be sad, sure. I'm the youngest of six. To bury them all will be hard, but it's what I want. 

It's no accident I'm six months older than my husband. I want him to bury me and then our kids will bury him. I just couldn't live an instant on this earth without him.

My father is first in line. He's the oldest. And today I get a call about how sick he is. I knew the call would come, some day. He's hospitalized and deteriorating. I wonder if I should go to him? 

What would you do?

If this is in fact his time, do I make the journey abroad, as a daughter should do, to see my father before he leaves this earth? Or do I take a page from his playbook and decide to be selfish. Do I let it be? Stay put and not land in a world that is his and his alone. He left our family for his family abroad. He has his children there. He is their father.

Here, he was never a good or present father. He however was (and is) my dad. He is handsome, charasmatic and always so funny. He is also the angriest person I've ever known. He was a terrible father, but he was my father and the reason I'm here on earth. He's the parent my mother taught me to acknowledge, respect and forgive. 

What would you do?

He's leaving this world in the right order. It's what I wanted and it's sad. I think of my father and I can't help but think about how much I love him even if he was so hard to love. 

He'll be in heaven soon and maybe then he'll get to know me and my children. Maybe then he'll get our names straight. Maybe then he'll see just how alike we are and how much he missed out on being my dad.

What would you do?

I don't want to bury him. That I know. But I do believe I should at least kiss him goodbye. 

What would you do?

Oversharer

I often get criticized for posting a lot of my day-to-day on Facebook and Instagram.  I also co-produce another blog, so there's plenty of places to share my thoughts, my photos, my memories, my meals, my workouts... I could go on. I get that's a lot of sharing and some label it as annoying. I actually consider it natural. I've been social my whole life. I am naturally loud, straightforward and a lifelong extrovert. I am comfortable with who I AM and why I share. Social media is my scrapbook. I'm not the best at backing up photos, printing or framing the memories, so a lot of my life is living on multiple social media accounts. I get I've chosen a public forum and I am comfortable with that, too.

But as of late, I've thought a lot about the wide spectrum of criticism and most of it is so judgmental.  In some occasions the critic's tone is one of kind observation, but most times it's mean-spirited and I'm passive aggressively being "called out" about my over-sharing as if I don't know it's a well established habit. Folks even ask my husband if he minds. I get that. He's often the subject of my posts. My husband however also knows his wife very well. He doesn't mind my chronic sharing since I respect what he considers private and personal. Because believe it or not, over-shares like me, do have private and personal lives. We don't actually share it all. How could we?

And yet the solution is simple; for the countless critics, you don't need to follow or "friend" an over-sharer. It's that simple. Social media is made for social butterflies. Yet, I understand not everyone cares. If a person wants out, go for it! Unfollow and unfriend over-sharers like me. Please and thank you!

There's also the idea of humblebragging!  I understand that folks don't care about an over-sharer's cute kids, amazing husbands and great lives! Post after post on my feed will be overwhelmingly positive, it'll include the moments I cherish and the life I live. A life I am grateful for and proud of. So yes, humblebragging will be all over my social media blueprint. 

Honestly, no one lives perfect lives and NO ONE lives forever. In this day in age, what we've left behind isn't only the memories, but the blog posts, the IG photos and Facebook status updates. I rather leave behind all those little insights to who I was and what a great life I lived. I don't want to be remembered for the bitching or the negativity the world already has too much of. I want to live on as grateful, imperfect and blessed as I've always been!

Brother

I have four brothers. I speak to 1.5 of them. I could be the common denominator, sure. Something must be wrong with me to have lost these relationships through the years. Then I think about how there's no right and no wrong. We are who we are.

One brother I cut out of my life a few years ago and I'm better for it. He's never earned or deserved my respect and this began when I was a young girl. This year I shared with my mother the reason why I don't speak to this brother. The sharing was profound. It was therapeutic. Then... it was gone. The words evaporated as if they were never spoken. It's okay mother, I understand.

Another brother left us many years ago for another life of his own. I know he's there. We're just strangers. Strangers who can love each other anyway. Why not?

And then there's the brother who called today. He's erratic and emotional, a combination of charisma and anger. He's violently abusive with words.  This all because he cannot speak directly about feelings. It's always dramatic when his feelings boil over. He can anger easily and he can love just as deeply as he hates. He's perfectly imperfect. He's my brother.

The backstory? I've never stopped associating with this brother's ex-girlfriend. Probably because she's kinder (to me) than he's been through the years. She was in my life 15 plus years when they ended.

Today's call:

His words, in no particular order:

You fucking bitch

I wouldn't go to your funeral if you died tomorrow

Fuck you, okay. Fuck you.

Anyone who associates with my enemies is dead to me.

My words: 

I'll pray for you!

I said just a few words. I took in his anger - his abusive words. I have prayer and forgiveness. I pray his heart will heal. This brother always says "I'm sorry" eventually, but not before leaving our relationship further strained and distant. 

This is the story of my brothers. Like my father, they've been absent. Like with my father, I love them anyway. 

But I love me more. In a lovely twist of fate, God blessed me with a husband who's shown me loving fatherhood in the way he loves our children and caring brotherhood in the way he treats his siblings. When looking for love.... It's here! 

It's always here... like prayer and forgiveness.